SURPRISE! INMATE ESCAPES HONOR CAMP

Way to ruin it for everyone. Silbestre Penaloza Menera escaped Stanislaus County Men's Honor Farm Thursday, but was quickly recaptured. Did it slip his mind that he was due for release on Friday?

Assuming Menera is returned to the honor farm, I'm sure his fellow inmates will be on their honor not to beat him savagely.

TOP 10 OLYMPIC EVENTS AMERICA CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE

From one who's never paid much attention to the Olympics --

America's manhood is on the line!

Bragging rights count on the global stage. Friends and enemies alike must be crushed under America's star-spangled heel, if for no better reason than to prove our might. And Mighty we are! Like Thor!

1. Weight Lifting. Symbolic of America's strength as a nation we can't pansy out when it comes to raising maximum poundage above our heads. The Russians see us falter for one second and it's on with the tickle fight!

2. Rowing. What message would it send to our Navy Seals if our Nation's greatest athletes can't row a damn boat fast?! These guys can row a skiff into a U-boat so quick it makes it explode!!

3. Basketball. Losing in basketball to the Red Chinese would be tantamount to losing a cheese-eating contest to a family of mice. We're bigger and hungrier than that.

4. Track & Field. In the bag. For all intents and purposes, we've outsourced our track & field needs to Kenya. They do the legwork, we keep the medals. That's the deal.

5. Women's Vollyball. Why didn't anyone tell me? Had I known the lanky trollop sextravaganza awaiting me, I could have been watching this, with parental consent, in 1988. Possibly jump-starting puberty by a full five years.

6. Archery. In the unlikely event of an apocalyptic battle royale where gunpowder is scarce and arrows grow on trees we definitely want the upper hand. Over the Norwegians.

7. Equestrian Sports. Horse-doings are as manly as America gets; the image of of cowboys riding around and doing all sorts of cowboy things leads me to believe we can't possibly lose this one.

8. Table Tennis. Robert Zemeckis pretty much said it all in his ground-breaking ping-pong documentary, Forrest Gump: Even the stupidest American can beat the smartest foreigner when it comes to pong.

9. Trampoline. I found this under the current list of Olympic sports and just assume it's important for America to jump higher than the rest. Over fences and such.

Bringing us to...

10. Fencing. For obvious reasons. America doesn't want to get stabbed in the face.

DEADLY HEADBUTT

If a blind man's hearing increases as a result of losing his sight, imagine an armless man's boundless upper neck strength when he headbutts a gentleman rival!! Though outwardly tragic, this oopsie-daisy manslaughter should be an inspiration to the differently abled everywhere!

SUBWAY EMERGENCY

Where his sandwiches are concerned, Reginald Peterson, 42, is not to be trifled with. The Jacksonville construction worker called 911 -- twice -- after an area Subway store failed to make a Spicy Italian to his standards.

DOUCHEBAG SPAMMER BLAMES SOCIETY

Oh com'on! If you're going to leech off the time and patience of others, the least you can do is take credit for the many amazing offers over the years! Without "Spam King" Robert Soloway, sentenced last month to hard labor, I'd never know what 0% APR meant! (Annual Percentage Rate -- Zero of it!)

Soloway was sentenced last week to four years for fraud, but what about more creative punishments? Like...

OPTION A - counseling inner-city youth on the pitfalls of spam-crime

OPTION B - work-release as a Myspace administrator

OPTION C - mock execution. Mock last meal, Spam.

WHEN THE NOSE GOES...

We've all been there: a heated argument, a woman is involved, there's a shovel handy, some biting, you're in Iowa.

Apologies to Donroy Merrival, 32, of Iowa City, but biting off another man's nose is not a proportionate response to getting smashed in the face with a shovel.

The nose couldn't be salvaged, leaving his unnamed victim permanently disfigured and reconsidering a once-promising career in ditch-digging. Lemons into lemonade, isn't this how Humpty Hump got started?